Friday, June 02, 2006


This is what happens when I have a bad week……..


The plant kingdom is preparing to launch its vegetative vengeance upon the meat eaters of planet Earth. Leading the thrust will be the elite Ninja Brinjals of the Aubergine Army, led by Colonel Purple Plump. In a revolution funded by the bucolic Bovine Board and with extensive underground support globally, the revolutionaries aim to spread their ideology of exclusive vegetarianism. Silly Cones Pam is also endorsing the revolution the breast way possible, and the thrust of her bust is successfully causing many a meat eater to reconsider their food habits.

Also in favour of the veggie argument is the fact that most intoxicants are distilled/produced from plant matter, and the Bovine Board is resorting to underhand tactics by providing the populace with free hash and beer. The assorted prissy fucks who advocate vegetarianism on humanitarian grounds have seconded this move.

Meanwhile, it is learnt that people in the far-east are slowly succumbing to starvation due to a lack of know-how in vegetarian food preparation. In light of this situation, the United States of Assholes have sent in their air force to drop food pills over Japan and Korea, but due to the unfortunate amount of methane in the atmosphere caused by bovine flatulence, this has caused the said food pills to buffet without landing.

This has also provided impetus to the globe’s assortment of religious movements, and has become a fine bone to pick for myriad communities. Divine intervention is the only possible hope in this situation, but it is learnt that the gods are on vacation, and have been so for centuries. With everyone proclaiming their god as the god, this is bound to have repercussions, and a number of godmen have considered it their bounden duty to provide the helpless Diaspora with a viable alternative. Top secret reports indicate the gods convention on Pluto turned rather violent, and a number of them were castrated in the ensuing scuffle. This now perplexes one and all as to the means of possible propagation in the future, the only hope being rumours of asexual reproduction. Sadly, the counter argument was that one mother and child were lost in this manner because the infant’s head got stuck at the hymen, and repeated pelvic contractions of the birthing mother caused the head and skull to succumb to a compression fracture. The ensuing ebolism was the end of the mommy too, sadly. The impotent eunuch who had reportedly sired the baby was sued for millions by the Geek Freak Council for unauthorised blue tooth fertilisation. The case is pending an appeal with the International Court of Jerks, the jury of which it is learnt resort to penis pumps during the course of every hearing. (Fox magazine and others are marketing a sex toy which sucks just like a woman, complete with free trial tube of saliva-imitation gel. The only drawback being non-regulated temperature, resulting in frostbite on the glans of many a Russian soldier.)

Coming back to Colonel Purple Plump, the decorated egg-head of the Aubergine Army has indicated that they enjoy full support from the Bovine Board’s biochemical weapons wing, “the Moosters.” The Moosters are crack cow commandos capable of squirting unreal amounts of nerve-wrecking gook at the enemy, and their anal accuracy is said to be admirable. Enjoying a drink of coconut water while eyeing the peaks on Silly Cones Pam, Plump was of the opinion that they would destroy the army of Major Meat Mackenzie, a ruthless man with an appetite for blood and guts. Squaring off as they were in a nightclub featuring exclusive pole dancing performances by an assortment of slutty females, it was to the credit of the bouncers present that it didn’t erupt into a free for all. Major Mackenzie and Colonel Plump had both in the meantime been lusting after Silly Cones Pam (who’s supposed to have shaved her pussy and uses multi-coloured astroturf instead), and in the ensuing scuffle, managed to burst both her breasts. It transpired that she had resorted to a cheaper silicone implant, Chinese made, and with a limited warranty. Upon inquiry, the flat-chested PRO of Suk Mah Tit (the silicone boobs company) admitted to a desperate shortage of implants in the Motherland, and so there was a possibility of Pam’s breasts skipping the final quality checks. As compensation, they would send her to Dildoland with the best male models from their sister concern, Suk Mah Kok.

Thankfully, in some parts of the globe, flesh-eating, swearing, mis-behaved agnostic sods still survive, and it is with this lot that my personal sympathies lie. Mackenzie is a fine sunnavabitch, and the outcome of this war should hopefully sort things out once and for all. Colonel Plump’s daughter, Nipple Nymph, is reputedly having an affair with ol’ Meat, and was seen blowing him in a peat bog last week. As usual, rumours are flying thick and fast about it being a ploy by the soul-less Bovine Board, and the meat-eating world is shocked at the desecration of so sacred a ritual as a blowjob. Some argue that it’s a psychological ploy on the part of Meat’s army, saying that he can’t get it up; but it’s common knowledge that in India, a number of flaccid, dyed-haired, corrupt geriatrics have provided ample funding for a wonder drug, and Meat’s apparently getting the same fix. The results are varied, but if a repulsive 80-yr old politician from India can hump a 20-something like a crazed horse, there is hope for Meat’s meat.

The point to this whole exercise is that there’s no point. It feels wonderful to be absolutely non-productive while seeming exceedingly busy. For those sorry ass individuals who got nothing better to do, send this on. And if u can’t get laid, don’t waste money on the cock-sucking doll. Get a whore instead. Now fuck you.


Avanti Sané said...

My god ! What have I done....I have unleashed a monster onto this poor unsuspecting world....Heaven help us!!!

Mint said...

This is my honest opinion as a writer, (or an architect, or for that matter, anyone who is in an art related profession)…

1. Even though you claim there is no point to the exercise, to me, the whole story carried a meaning, Veg. Vs Non Veg. Is a metaphor for the clash between two opposite elements. These could be the fight between any two ideologies or values or religious groups or cultural groups or nations, etc. etc.
2. I like the way you have formed the characters. You have not overly described them, but you leave it to the reader to create a mental image of each character. I also like the fact that every character in the story is unique. Silly Cones Pam, is especially intriguing.
3. I liked the name “United States of Assholes.” A deeper meaning to the sentence is conveyed there.
4. I liked the statements on Gods having gone on a vacation for centuries. A deeper meaning is conveyed here too.
5. Death of the infant is a metaphor for the death of new ideas.

Overall, the piece of writing is a good read. It is an excellent way of conveying your thoughts. You have a good choice of words and there is a nice tone of sarcasm in the words; puns are also used well. Also, there is no monotony, which is good for the reader.

Only, I thought you have ended the story a bit abruptly. In the sense that you have started out with the idea of a war or a revolution, but there is no hint of the same, in the end of the story.

As a layman (someone who can’t relate to art), I can understand that you’re trying to put across some idea, although I would not understand it completely. I would read it more as a story with colourful characters. The language would also be a bit difficult to understand.