Friday, October 03, 2008

Of three twerps

Twerp 1, Twerp 2 and Twerp 3, henceforth referred to as T1, T2 and T3 respectively, for the sake of brevity, were three friends, linguists all, who happened to be technically challenged in their respective professional choice of a doctor, an engineer, and an architect, (which, it would seem was no bad thing, for indeed 'twould have hilarious consequences, such as Dilbert's botched attempt at repairing the coffee machine, which failed of course, or T2's attempt to rectify his dilapidated Fiat's wiring, which we shall come to later, or T1's musings about how his first episiotomy, (which is a medical procedure wherein the doctor has to cut a woman's vagina during childbirth) had put him off porn for a while), and so found themselves confined to a life of confounded deliberation, quaffing large amounts of coffee in over-sized mugs while inhaling sickly sweet hookah smoke, all the while berating Fate, for she had cast them into this world as anchorless individuals driven to insanity by a mundane existence which required more than a little patience to cope with, especially since patience was not part of their character, given as they were more to impulse and the need to experience what they would so eclectically describe as "a full life" - a euphemistic reference to a state of perennially doped-out madness, in which they chose to drive to Lonavla for egg bhurji if they so fancied, never mind the respective assignments / exams / ED (emergency duty, a must for all medical students), and tried to decipher, along the way, how Fate had at least given the three of them an opportunity to interact, enjoy the full life together, which, as was the case, while cooped-up in the beat-up Premier Padmini which T2 (narrator) had salvaged from a junk yard for the princely sum of five thousand rupees, and which didn't have air conditioning, or a stereo, but which T2 would proudly point out, was rear wheel drive, never mind that it had 40 horsepower, which, when combined with balding re-treaded tyres and wet tarmac, nevertheless provided plenty of tail-out action, while T1 struggled to slip a CD into his portable boombox, and T2 twirled heroically at the wheel, all the while poor T3 being confined to the rear, trying to decide whether T1 or T2 was more mad, and who had better hair, when promptly she was jolted out of her reverie as one of the batteries for the boombox sailed past T1, right in front of T3's nose, and out the window, which didn't amuse T1 one bit, especially as T2 laughed his evil laugh and T3 rolled her eyes and tried to ignore the expletives which flew like embers from dry driftwood, asking the boys to be quiet and instead focus on the task at hand, which, according to her, centred upon "a nice, quiet drive to Lonavla for egg bhurji" instead of the cacophonous bickering and wild driving which really didn't amuse her and couldn't T1 for the love of god leave his boombox at home for once, since most of the CDs skipped anyway, (as T2 nodded his head in agreement) and could T2 please NOT drive like a lunatic for once (this time it was T1's turn to nod), but then she ended her rant in a loud sigh, as she always did, and wondered aloud why, why did she hang out with these "idiots" as she liked to call them, never mind that she couldn't live without T1 or T2, and indeed it was a mutual adoration, which they reminded themselves over and over, and so, after a few moments of quiet reflection by all parties concerned, the conversation inevitably turned to books, and adaptations of books in cinema (it would appear that T1's sole reason to be present upon earth would be to read a book, watch the movie, and then draw comparison, although, to be fair, he didn't ever favour one medium over another), a topic which, believe it or not, was never done to death by the three of them, since, as T2 pointed out, people would keep writing books and making movies, all the while T1 and T3 nodding sagely in agreement, when, suddenly, T3 screamed, a scream so loud, in fact, that T1 nearly dropped his beloved boombox, and T2 was distracted from the task of coaxing the Padmini to 120, and they both turned in unison to ask what had so startled T3 (they weren't particularly surprised though, T3 screamed from time to time for no apparent reason), which was a futile question, really, for there would be something insignificant; although this time to T3's credit she really did seem startled, and was quiet for a change, instead of muttering away like she usually did, which really piqued T1's curiosity, and so he leaned over to see what had caused T3 to fold her feet under her bum on the seat, when the light from his cell phone reflected off two beady little eyes, and not being the scaredy sort, he scooped up what T3 then realised was the cold nose of a little kitty, who was as frightened as she was, and which she then promptly snatched from T1 to cuddle, while T2 kept asking, pointlessly, what all the commotion was about, and when being told that there was a kitten in the rear footwell, made a mental note to himself to repair the rear window, (which would neither open nor close, but which always remained half open) and cursed under his breath as he realised the downhill section of the expressway was lost and so 120 would have to wait for another day, when, T3, in all her brilliance suggested that the kitty be fed, which of course, was normal, but then there wasn't anything particularly edible in the car, and no, T1 didn't think the kitty would eat glucose biscuits, or smoke, him being a doctor and all, and T3 was inclined to agree, but T2 insisted they try to feed kitty some biscuits while T1 and T3 told him to shut up and drive, since what did T2 know about kittys anyway, never mind the predictable pussy jokes which followed, when T2 did, however point out that they had only enough money for three egg bhurjis and would the kitty eat egg or not, when this time T3 whacked T2 on the back of the neck and suggested they pull over and find some milk, which seemed like a really absurd plan to T1 and T2, since it was nearly 1 am and the whole point of the trip was a middle-of-the-night snack and not breakfast, when T3 made her teary face and T1 melted, whispering in T2's ear that they better pull over, or there would be hell to pay, especially since T3 seemed adamant that the kitty would not eat Parle G, and if the boys wanted to try, they would have to over her dead body, so instead the "nice, quiet drive to Lonavla for egg bhurji" turned into a "find milk for kitty in the middle of the night" expedition, something which T1 and T2 both grumbled about but realised would have to be done or T3 would bawl and then proceed to maul the both of them, not a pleasant proposition, given that she had nails, and so to distract her, the conversation turned to whether the kitty was male or female, with some more predictable pussy jokes of course, and T3 rolled her eyes and clouted T2 once more, when the lights of the food mall loomed and T3’s whining turned particularly voluble, and so T2 shrugged and pulled into the mall, slotting into the first available parking slot, coasting in in neutral to save petrol, and barely had the car slowed that T1 was out in a flash, requesting the grumpy pot-bellied waiter at the food mall for milk, which was brought steaming hot in a steel tumbler, causing T1 to curse of course, by which time both T2 and T3 had disembarked from the Starship Enterprise (which was T3’s unkind name for the rusty, albeit trusty, Padmini), and little kitty jumped out of T3’s vice-like pseudo-maternal embrace and onto the ground, as she yelped and made to stop kitty running away of course, but would you know it, kitty was around T1’s ankles, and he, her original rescuer, scooped her up and set her on the rickety steel table, proffering the milk in a saucer, and blowing on it to cool it for good measure, and it was love of course, pimply doctor and kitty bonding under the glare of neon lights; kitty lapped up every last drop of the milk, by which time T1, utterly smitten by kitty, decided to name her Caramel, for her honey-coloured coat, as T1 elaborated, to which T2 wondered aloud why he wouldn’t call her Honey in the first place, when T3 rolled her eyes again, and the party bounded back into the Padmini, to complete the rest of the “nice, quiet drive to Lonavla for egg bhurji”, never mind that they would have to split two portions among the three of them.

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